My First Ayahuasca Experience

After sixteen years of sobriety, six ketamine therapy sessions, and one heroes dose of mushrooms, I drove out to a small Hill Country ranch to participate in a two night ayahuasca ceremony.

I had my yoga mat, some trail mix, some comfy clothes, and my intention: to increase my vulnerability and open mindedness. I thought I was “prepared.” I was not.

Night One.

The first night we sat on our quilts under tall trees by a river that sounded like the Amazon. I waited about thirty minutes and then watched as everyone else started crying, laughing, puking, and occasionally yelling. But nothing was happening for me. This was supposed to be my big breakthrough. I spent the next 5 hours cycling through anger, disappointment, and self pity, while judging the hell out of the facilitators who were dancing and singing around the fire.

When asked how it went at the end of the night, I shared that nothing had happened and tried to say it in a way as to convey that the facilitators had failed me. I was asked why I didn’t say anything or ask for help. It dawned on me that I’ve spent a lot of my life filled with self pity, afraid to ask for help, and the byproduct was lots of rage and depression.

Night Two.

Within 20 minutes of taking the ayahuasca, the medicine kicked in and I quickly believed that I had poisoned myself and was going to die. I went into a full blown panic attack, screaming at the facilitators to call a doctor, and trying to break free of them while they held me down.

Then I was dropped into what I can only describe as an infinite fractal hellscape where I surmised that I had triggered some sort of schizophrenia, and was never going to be able to communicate with the world or my family ever again. Ayahuasca also has a strange effect on time. I spent what felt like centuries reliving my entire life, mostly the scary parts (think childhood medical trauma, intense loneliness, the pits of my alcoholism, etc.).

Then I was given a message: that I was stuck in this hell for eternity and there was no getting out, no seeing your family ever again, nothing except this incredibly painful, scary, and confusing state of being forever, unless I faced my greatest fear and let myself finally die.

It was the saddest thing I’ve ever experienced, coming to the realization that I had put myself in a position where I would never see my family again. But I was in so much emotional pain that I eventually agreed and in my head at least, I stopped breathing.

Then everything changed. I came to in the ceremony and was so grateful to be able to see and hear and to just be back in this world. And then it became educational and this is the part I’m still integrating.

I was shown that everything, everywhere, in everyone’s life was unfolding with perfect timing. I saw that there could be free will and complete determinism at the same time. And I realized that when I could see everyone from the right perspective, I loved them completely and unconditionally, including myself.

Three Months Later.

Over the last few months, I’ve learned that I have a choice with every situation and every person in my life. I can either remember that deep down, I love whoever I’m looking at, and the situation is unfolding perfectly, or not. This decision changes how everything in my life appears to me. Ayahuasca showed me exactly what I needed to see to gain this perspective, and nothing short of it would have gotten me here. I still have hard days and get frustrated and sad. But I now see that with the right perspective, all of it can be made useful.

• Category: Healing, Indigenous Medicine, Nature Is Medicine